I Am Not A Real American

A new theme has lately emerged in the upcoming presidential election by which certain parties claim that certain other parties are not “real” Americans, and may in fact be “anti-American.” Because I fall into the camp that is more often accused of such things, let me be the first of my people to come clean and declare to the world: I am not a real American.

I did not know this about myself until I started listening to the candidates. Whenever they discussed the habits and predilections of anti-Americans, I found myself thinking “Hey, that sounds like me.”

For example, I read the New York Times. Not once in a while. Every day. I thought I did this because I enjoy knowing what’s going on in the world, but now I know that I read that newspaper because I hate America.

Second, I live on the east coast. People on the east coast apparently drink a disproportionate amount of latte, eat an astronomical amount of cheese, and attend waaay too many cocktail parties. Guilty, guilty, and guilty (I do not drink coffee beverages, but I do drink green tea and if I had to guess, green tea is probably anti-American too). Furthermore, I spent ten years of my life living in New York City, probably the most godless, anti-American city in this country, except one:

Yes, I lived in Hollywood. For about a year and a half. To further my career. Big mistake. At the time, I didn’t consider moving to Southern California as anything worse than selling out my soul. Never did I imagine I was also selling out my country. But I was. Everybody now knows that people who live in Hollywood hate America. It’s like Tehran over there, only with more fake boobs and better fast food chicken.

I do not go to church. I don’t go to Christian church or Jew church or any other church. I don’t go to church at all. Not ever. A perfect Sunday for me is spent drinking green tea while reading the Sunday New York Times. Yikes! Why don’t I just turn in my Al-Qaeda membership form and call it a day? As if that wasn’t bad enough, not only do I not go to church:

I don’t believe in God. How can I say the Pledge of Allegiance if I don’t believe in God? How can I spend our American currency which pledges “In God We Trust?” How can I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help me God? Answer: I can’t. It’s a real problem. Don’t get me wrong – I’d like to believe in God. I wish I did, especially if He was the kind of God that thought America was #1.  But I don’t, which to many people is the same as not believing in America. Up until recently, I thought those people were lunatics. Now I know that I’m the crazy one. The crazy, America-hating one, that is.

Man, I hate this country. I hate this country so much that sometimes when I’m watching baseball on TV and they start singing the national anthem I do not put my hand over my heart. Honestly, there are times when I don’t even stand up.

And the last time I wore a flag pin on my lapel? Never. Which is to say that, in my life, I've worn fewer American flag lapel pins than I have Duran Duran pins. Talk about a traitor!

I hate this country so much that when the Boy Scouts come around asking me to buy holiday wreaths, I usually just buy one. Never mind the fact that I’ve got half a dozen doors on my house. One is my limit.

I hate this country with such a passion that I have used foul language when describing our president. And not just during peacetime, but during a time of war. I have used hateful words like “retard,” and “asshole.” Who is the president if not the commander in chief? So when I call him a retard and an asshole, I now know that I am calling our troops retards and assholes too. God I hate the troops.

Moreover, I am a Communist. I know this because I think Barack Obama (socialist/terrorist) is right to say that the top wage earners in this country should pay a little bit more to help dig us out of the hole that our current retarded, asshole president has dug for us. And even though that means I am voting to give myself a tax increase, I am doing it not because I think that I, and people like me, should "spread the wealth" a little bit more, but because I believe Barack Obama will finally transform this country into a godless worker’s paradise.

And sometimes if offered apple pie, I say no.

And I believe that social security is pretty good just the way it is.

And there have been times, many times, when I have disagreed with this country and hated America enough to express my disagreement. Sometimes in the privacy of my own home, but sometimes in public, on the same streets that real Americans have to walk.

Here’s how much I hate America: when the Supreme Court decided that inmates at Guantanamo had the right to challenge the legality of their detention, I came right out and said (and this is an exact quote), “Good.” And when it was learned that Americans were torturing suspected terrorists, I said, (and this is an exact quote) “Not good.”

Let me be unequivocal: I hate, hate, hate America.

There may be some of you out there who say, “If you hate this country so much why don’t you leave?” Well I would, except that I’ve also recently learned from the same people that told me how much I hate the US that America is the greatest country in the history of mankind. So even though I obviously hate our nation and everybody in it, I am reluctant to leave just in case expressing my constituional freedoms doesn't mean I'm not a real American.

Comments

[olivia]

firsties!

[Bella]

I never once agreed to call French Fries "Freedom Fries" and I still have no remorse.

[Glen]

Fake-God fake-bless you, fake-news man.
I am not a real American, either. And I'm from the South! But not really, I guess. I'm not sure how far the fakery goes. So, I toast you with an un-American beverage of your choice, although I guess we don't believe in choice.

[Nickel Jean]

Don't get me started on the inherent fascism in the Pledge of Allegiance! I hate the fact that my daughter parrots it every day in school even though she doesn't have a clue what it means. I hate the fact that I'm supposed to lead my Girl Scout Troop in saying it. I hate the fact that "to serve God and my country" is part of the Girl Scout Promise. And I hate the fact that the majority of people in my small Midwestern town would consider me abnormal if they knew how I felt.

[sinclair]

un-american americanism is the new patriotism.

[Reen]

You big fat fucking Russian.

Thanks for sharing.

Hey, to believe in God and NOT be considered delusional, accused of needing a "crutch" to get through life, or obviously stupid is something I'm up against and frankly, find just as offensive as your predicament.

You are a Jewish Atheist who married a Catholic lady and have 2 children with beautiful names straight out of the Old Testament...wow.

Someday maybe we'll learn why you believe what you believe, or more to the point, why you don't. Maybe you'll expound on your "spiritual journey" as those creepy ("They're all the same...narrow minded...judgemental...") Christians call it. I think it would be fascinating. (Provided you tell the truth, the whole truth, so help you God).

[Severed]

Not american? I'm sorry but I just can't read your blog anymore!

[Stacey E]

So, if Obama is all for higher taxes for the rich, how would you explain the pampered little asswipe I saw attacking McCain last night? Little college going snot with a doctor for a dad, complaining that with McCain her daddy would have to pay more taxes. WAAH! Hmm, guess that means they both feel the same way about taxes, because she sure as hell wasn't whining about Obama.
Thanks for announcing how much you hate America, so the rest of us didn't have to. Damned Connecticutians.

[Bailey]

I pegged you as an imposter from the very beginning.

[Zane]

We'll dance in hell.

[yankeebird]

You Are My Hero.

[Whitney]

I love you a little more each day.

/creeper

[Jaime]

Reen, I share your predicament. Well said.

And I share yours Michael. As a rhetoric teacher, the inherent hypocrisy of the phrase "Support our Troops" as a rally call for keeping young soldiers in an unnecessary and retarded war, well, I gotta say it's always impressed me. Wanting to bring troops home somehow got turned into a bad thing for the troops? You are only supporting them by putting them in the line of fire?? Somehow? That is some strong fucking rhetoric. But I suppose since my underlying impressedness is underscored by my belief in the war's unnecessaryness ad retardedness, there I go!

I don't support the war = I don't support my troops = I am criticizing executive decisions = I am not falling in line = I am spitting directly into the mouths of troops = I am a darned Pinko! Aw, nuts.

[harveypenguin]

"And sometimes if offered apple pie, I say no."

I think I know what all of those words mean, but not in that order. I just read it as COMMIE COMMIE COMMIE.

(Seriously though, who says no to apple pie?)

[lindsay]

you're amazing....

[Don]

"Man, I hate this country. I hate this country so much that sometimes when I’m watching baseball on TV and they start singing the national anthem I do not put my hand over my heart."

If you truly hated America you'd be watching hockey or soccer instead of baseball. And you'd call soccer "football".

[Matt]

I second Renee that your "spiritual journey" would make for an interesting read, except I approach it from the other side: Someone that was raised uber-baptist in the south and finally got out and started thinking for myself.

[Camille]

I'm just very concerned as to where Madonna is going to raise her children.

[dave.minogue]

You think thats bad? look at this for bull shit propaganda
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3vGDmdEP_0

[Reen]

Hi Matt P - you whippersnapper, you. We finally agree on something.

And for the record, Christians and those that believe in a higher power think for themselves, too.

Ehem.

(asshole)

;-)

[Christian]

I like it when hot European models are on the cover of Maxim. Does that make me hate America too?

[Chad]

Haha, the fast food chicken is delicious in Hollywood.

Great entry :)

[Susanna]

At least you know where you stand (on the opposite side of America).

[Felicia]

I believe the "pro-America" quote you're looking for is:
"America is the greatest, best country God ever gave man"--Sean Hannity

I drink Green Tea Frappucinos and don't go to church either. But when describing the current President, I usually use the term "goofball", which is not swearing. However, I read liberal bloggers (and I'm not even counting you, MIB)...so maybe I should be packing after all.
If my husband gets his way and we leave Connecticut for Nebraska, I will be SOOOO pro-America God will watch over me forever.

[M2J]

Since this country is founded on being for the people and by the people, technically anything we do makes us real Americans. The concept of standards and conventions determining your American-ness is not our idea, at least not mine. It was called a "free country" for a reason. Drink tea, don't stand during the anthem, and toss pies out the window! That's what America is all about!