Imagine my surprise when my last posting, a tidbit about relieving stress, was linked to Reddit, which is apparently some kind of internet clearinghouse for articles about Barack Obama and photos of kitty cats. Within moments, I noticed a huge spike in traffic to my normally moribund site. People were not only reading the post, but taking the time to leave thoughtful messages like this one:
“Who the hell is this guy? Celebrity? In your own head, maybe. let me guess, headed to the gym in 26 minutes?”
And this one:
“You are easily one of the biggest hacks in the entertainment industry today.”
And this one:
“Who are you, sorry? My celebrity-meter is reading a big fat zero...”
What these people don’t realize is that OF COURSE I am a celebrity. It says so on my blog. But just because I am a celebrity (very famous) doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings. I do. And those feelings, fortunately, are usually numbed by prescription medications and acupuncture.
My blog used to be a happy place where likeminded people gathered to exchange lighthearted bonhomie. Now, with my sudden internet stardom, it has become no better than Times Square pre-Giuliani: a cesspool of boarded-up bodegas and adult novelty stores. And guess what? I like it. I like it a lot.
Yes, there will always be haters, just as there will always be panda bears (fingers crossed). But I don’t let either haters or panda bears spoil my day. Not when there is so much good to wring from having a blog as popular as mine. With all this attention, I finally know what it feels like to be Chris “Leave Brittany alone” Crocker: incredible. Internet fame is like regular fame only without all the annoying “money” and “power.”
It’s a good day to be on the internet. A very good day indeed. My ever-present security guard Major Quimby (pictured below) has asked that we beef up my security detail. I’ve told him to go ahead and do that. Not because I feel I need any extra security, but because I welcome any excuse to bring more mustachioed men in Prussian army uniforms into my entourage.
(Major Quimby)
Sorry, man. The people on reddit obviously never watched The State. You can't lose my love, regardless of how many puns you make on VH1.
Posted by: natron | May 30, 2008 at 08:08 AM
U R NOT CELEBERTY!!!@!@!!@!!@@! ReDDIT pwnz oMG@@!!!!! OmG I NEED A FUKKKEN lolCAt OR I AM GONNA FLiP a ShITTTTTTTTT
Posted by: Reddit Fiend | May 30, 2008 at 08:17 AM
Admittedly, I only found out about this blog through Reddit, but I'm not a hater. I even watched five minutes of VH1 the other day when I saw you appear on it.
I miss Stella, damn it.
Posted by: Alex White | May 30, 2008 at 08:22 AM
just kidding, I know you're not gay because I GOT INTO COLLEGE
I GOT INTO COLLLELEEGEGEGEGEGEGEGE
I GOT INTA GLALGLAGLAGLGALGALBABABABABA
Posted by: Gay? | May 30, 2008 at 08:27 AM
Bring back Stella!!! I <3 you
Oh, and 'Cults: Saying No Under Pressure' should have won a minimum of 4 Oscars.
Posted by: TMo | May 30, 2008 at 08:35 AM
I love Reaper.
Posted by: Lacey | May 30, 2008 at 08:43 AM
Don't listen to them, Michael. The Michael Ian Black Show was great, and your performance in Wet Hot American Summer was better than Kevin Costner in The Postman. SERIOUSLY.
Posted by: Pete | May 30, 2008 at 08:51 AM
I had a crush on you when I was 15. Big time.
Posted by: the other kristina | May 30, 2008 at 08:54 AM
famous? celebrity?
THE STATE BITCH!
Posted by: lobsters | May 30, 2008 at 09:09 AM
I found your blog through reddit, and as it turns out I'm not an asshole. I think wet hot american summer might be the funniest movie ever made. Keep writing!
Posted by: Patrick | May 30, 2008 at 09:13 AM
Your appearance on the Michael Showalter Showalter was fantastic. (http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1744730/) They should continue to produce "webisodes" of that show. Michael Showalter is hilarious. Can you get me his autograph, what's-your-name?
Just kidding. Glad all you State alumni are doing well, y'all deserve all the half-assed fame you receive.
Posted by: Brian | May 30, 2008 at 09:18 AM
Because of this nonsense I will see one less kitty cat photo today. You sir may go to hell.
Posted by: Alabaster | May 30, 2008 at 09:34 AM
lol i heard ur dad wears panties and makes u sit on his lap during dinner true or false?
Posted by: f u wanker | May 30, 2008 at 09:38 AM
lol i heard ur dad wears panties and makes u sit on his lap during dinner true or false?
Posted by: f u wanker | May 30, 2008 at 09:39 AM
Why do you even have a blog? Yesterday, I read your blog just to see if there was anything worthwhile (there wasn't), and today just confirmed my suspicions. Not only that, but I'm insulted by your grammar and lack of writing skills. Maybe you should go back to school instead of being a CELEBRITY.
Posted by: deb | May 30, 2008 at 09:39 AM
you = not a celeb. i have no idea who you are.
Posted by: LORNA JEAN | May 30, 2008 at 09:41 AM
everyone needs a mustachioed Prussian man in uniform sometimes. and by gum, it's our right as Americans!
i do think Reen needs to lay off the Mountain A DEW and stop smooching the internet. you don't know where it's been.
Posted by: Kendrah | May 30, 2008 at 09:46 AM
I thought you were great on Reaper. Too bad they killed you off so soon. I thought your storyline was just getting started.
Posted by: John | May 30, 2008 at 09:49 AM
Enjoy your 15 minutes of internet stardom, then, like water in soil, sift back into oblivion.
Posted by: 15min | May 30, 2008 at 09:52 AM
Enjoy your 15 minutes of internet stardom, then, like water in soil, sift back into oblivion.
Posted by: 15min | May 30, 2008 at 09:52 AM
Yes I'm here from Reddit and I have one question. When will the Viva Variety reunion special happen?
Posted by: GH | May 30, 2008 at 10:01 AM
Sounds like some edukatoin is in order.
Posted by: JD | May 30, 2008 at 10:11 AM
That was great! I am bookmarking this site.
I usually read Reddit just to troll or make fun of them, but every now and then they link to a neat site like yours.
Posted by: new fan | May 30, 2008 at 10:17 AM
As a fan of yours since the days of The State, I can attest to the fact that you sir, are indeed a celebrity. Its not about lemon-lime carbonated soft drinks, or the occasional cameo in Reno, its about making people laugh, and doing it the Michael Ian Black way. You sir are the boilerplate to which all modern comedians should adhere. A true Renaissance Man of comedy. Don't stop being you!
Posted by: seedoubleyou | May 30, 2008 at 10:17 AM
Can't quite put my finger on it. Am I so out of the loop? Are you really famous? (Not trying to be mean or anything) I mean, just how "famous" are you? And what is the reason why? Sorry....just an idiot from Reddit here. I really like the site, but I'll agree sometimes, we can be a little harsh. We're not all like that. Good luck to you in the future. Oh, and Pandas are great!
Posted by: heyt | May 30, 2008 at 10:19 AM