I Am Drunk On Internet Celebrity - Thanks, Reddit!

Imagine my surprise when my last posting, a tidbit about relieving stress, was linked to Reddit, which is apparently some kind of internet clearinghouse for articles about Barack Obama and photos of kitty cats. Within moments, I noticed a huge spike in traffic to my normally moribund site. People were not only reading the post, but taking the time to leave thoughtful messages like this one:

“Who the hell is this guy? Celebrity? In your own head, maybe. let me guess, headed to the gym in 26 minutes?”

And this one:

“You are easily one of the biggest hacks in the entertainment industry today.”

And this one:

“Who are you, sorry? My celebrity-meter is reading a big fat zero...”

What these people don’t realize is that OF COURSE I am a celebrity. It says so on my blog. But just because I am a celebrity (very famous) doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings. I do. And those feelings, fortunately, are usually numbed by prescription medications and acupuncture.

My blog used to be a happy place where likeminded people gathered to exchange lighthearted bonhomie. Now, with my sudden internet stardom, it has become no better than Times Square pre-Giuliani: a cesspool of boarded-up bodegas and adult novelty stores. And guess what? I like it. I like it a lot.

Yes, there will always be haters, just as there will always be panda bears (fingers crossed). But I don’t let either haters or panda bears spoil my day. Not when there is so much good to wring from having a blog as popular as mine. With all this attention, I finally know what it feels like to be Chris “Leave Brittany alone” Crocker: incredible. Internet fame is like regular fame only without all the annoying “money” and “power.”

It’s a good day to be on the internet. A very good day indeed. My ever-present security guard Major Quimby (pictured below) has asked that we beef up my security detail. I’ve told him to go ahead and do that. Not because I feel I need any extra security, but because I welcome any excuse to bring more mustachioed men in Prussian army uniforms into my entourage.

(Major Quimby)

Comments

[Camille]

One word for you:class act

[kristina]

Aha! I was wondering why you had 36 comments... and 24 of them weren't from me.

[Erika]

Mib (I call you Mib), I heart you.

[sarah]

OUCH those comments are effd up. But you know you're famous and that's all that matters. Also, you know you're the hottest jew out there right?

[Dan]

Reddit - the shining scholars of the internet.

[Jaime]

I was wondering that as well. I thought perhaps I'd slipped into some bunny hole and things had gone topsy turvy. Can't wait for your androgynous mascara'd sobbing video Michael. I heart you too.

[your mind turns me on]

One other word for you: nice ass

[Reen]

Jaime, that was funny. When the truth is known..tooooobeeeeeeeeeeeeliiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeesssssssssss and all the whatever..withinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn you dies - don't you want somebody to love?
I have had too much bubbly and I now bid you A DEW. s

This blog made me giggle. I like the Quimby touch too. And you are adorable Mikey - just lovin' on all the crazy comments. Only you have thick enough skin for that. I'd be in a fetal position. Just a rockin' and a rolling.

Smooooooooooochies to all of my homies.
Oh and. I had to look up 2 words on this blog - they were as follows: moribund AND bonhomie AND (that makes 3 I mean) AND bodegas. Thankie for the vocab stretch.
And now I must go stretch on a couch.

I bid A DEW again.

And I give smooches AGAIN.

[anonymous]

lol what a douchebag

[Johnny Red Jeans]

I love you Ms. Pac-Man.

[anonymous]

lol what a douchebag

[a friend two friends]

sometimes I watch you sleep, but that is just something you'll have to accept

[dyre]

reddit isn't all that bad. I mean, I found out that you have a blog! Imagine my surprise when a celebrity such as you had a place on the Internet where a mild mannered citizen as myself could read each heartfelt word personally typed by yourself!

keep on writing and I shall read ^_^

[qarl]

only douchebags say "lol".

[david]

eh, reddit isn't all obama articles and kitties. there are plenty of articles about linux as well.

[Robert Rossney]

Having found the medium you were born for (and I mean this with sincerest admiration), you really need to get a spot on I Love The 50's, the 40's, the 30's, and oh those wacky 20s. I would pay actual cash money to see those.

[t]

One word:

DICKFISH

Everyone cool knows what I'm talking about. Now lets go caroling.

[Ur Bruddah]

Homo.

[Rich Seymour]

You've always been very famous ever since you helped show just what $240 could do on cable TV. Much love.

[Tozlink]

Well, you lose points for being on that pile of crap, Tom Goes to the Mayor, but Stella was awesome. Need moar Stella.

Enjoy your popular cesspool.

[Brooklyn]

ITS A REAL BROOKLYN PIZZA!!!

[Tim]

He's famous and he's funny, I've always liked this guy. Now I know his name, yay!

[Mikel Ean White]

I went to your wiki and there was no Filmography but there was no Filmography, or any ___ograpy for that matter.

Step your game up, hack.

[arachel]

I was actually impressed with the cultural acumen of the person who referenced John Fitzgerald Page -- a REAL Internet celebrity, AND a douchebag, if Gawker has anything to say about it.

Given that Reddit remains a confusing and badly designed mystery...yeah, whatever.

[Ima sceeered]

Make the bad guys go away!