Finally! I'm Involved in a Murder Investigation

I've had a few goals in my life: fame, fortune, inventing a perpetual motion machine, etc. One of those goals, though, was to be involved in a murder investigation. It's taken longer than I would have hoped, but just as Jiminy Cricket once sang, "When you wish upon a star, dreams come true."

According to today's New York Post  there was an "accidental murder" during a hold-up at a New York poker room. Apparently, I was there, and "could not be reached for comment."

While it's horrible that somebody died during a stupid robbery, this is awesome for me personally on so many levels.

First of all, any press that makes me seem less gay is good. Being spotted at a murder site is certainly that. Also, being described as a "well known poker player" is awesome because it gives me cred in the poker world and also sounds vaguely nefarious. Like I'm some sort of poker-playing outlaw (which I totally am). The coup de grace, though, is saying I "could not be reached for comment," which makes it sound like I have something to hide. Like maybe I fled the country or something. Again, awesome.

Here's the truth. I wasn't there. Further, I'm glad I wasn't there because guns scare me. Honestly, even ski masks scare me. So combining ski masks with guns is very scary indeed. Sadly, I didn't even know about that club. I had played several times at the other Straddle Club, which was mentioned in the article, never at this new one, although had I known about it, I probably would have at some point. When they say I could not be reached for comment, I suppose this is because they didn't call me. If they had called me, I would have said pretty much what I'm saying now, except I would have said it in a mysterious voice, maybe like the way Dracula talks.

So while it is great to FINALLY be involved (however speciously) in a murder investigation, I have nothing to add to the story. Even so, I want to thank the unidentified witness for mistakenly putting me at the scene, and I want to thank the New York Post for getting it wrong.

The only part about this that bums me out at all is that they did not mention my album, "I am a Wonderful Man", which is in stores now. Would it have killed them to use a senseless tragedy to plug my album?

Comments

[Zane]

Well, thank goodness you are all right!
How frightening that must have been for you, not being there and all. Glad you are safe.

[Ash]

That's awesome! One time a homeless guy came up to me in the parking lot of Sonic and told me he had just killed a man. That's the closest I've come. You win.

[Therese]

Are you absolutely sure that murder isn't gay?

[Susanna]

So, basically you weren't there and didn't kill anybody - that won't keep your name in the papers, Michael. I was really hoping that you were actually there and had killed someone, so that you could be referred to as the "Celebrity (very famous) Poker Killer."

[Reen]

Jimminy Cricket is a Marilyn Manson fan. I trust him not.

Prepare for the NY Post call now. Get a cape, grow your fangs and definitely talk like Dracula when contacted. "Nooooo cooomment".

I'm glad you didn't die in the shooting. And I think I speak for everyone here when I say that would raise a moral dilemma: "How can we go to the funeral *without* fingering his corpse?"

(NO SHE DINT!)

[Camille]

Something more scandelous than poker goes down at a place called "The Straddle Club",no? Did they have a champagne room? Oh right, you weren't there, were you? (winky,wink)

[Doorman]

Your An A Hole, I used to work the Straddle on 3rd ave and you just proved by your comments you are as dumb as you look

[Jenny]

ahahaha, that IS awesome!! you are so street now. ha! i want to know how you found out about this article first? did your publicist call and be all, "where the FUCK were you last night?!?!?" and the answer was you were shampooing your dog. duh.

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