There’s got to be some kind of law against people acting like assholes. And if there is, those people are going to have to defend themselves in a court of law because I am sick of it. As such I have retained a lawyer and will be filing criminal charges for “general assholeness.”
For example, the other day I was driving home and was caught in traffic. This was the kind of slow-moving bumper-to-bumper traffic associated with road construction or traffic accident or (as I was hoping) suicide off an overpass. The cause of the traffic is irrelevant. What IS relevant is that the guy in the car behind me kept laying on his horn. BEEEEEP! As if to say, “Hurry up!” Well, I couldn’t hurry up because there was a car in front of me. And a car in front of that person, etc. All within plain site of the ASSHOLE behind me who decided that, for whatever reason, the entire highway was conspiring against him. That all of us had agreed to stop our cars in the middle of the road, thus preventing him from getting to whatever gun show he was on his way to attending. (I’m assuming he was on his way to a gun show because if he had already had the weapon, I have no doubt he would have used it on me.) I tried to explain to this by screaming “SHUT THE FUCK UP” in my car, but I doubt he was able to hear me because both of us had our windows rolled up. Sir, you will be hearing from my lawyer.
Another example: my local supermarket refuses to carry diet cream soda, even though they carry every other conceivable combination of soda pop in the entire world. Cola, diet cola. Root beer, diet root beer. Orange soda, diet orange soda. They even have black cherry, diet black cherry. And yet they only stock regular cream soda! When I asked them about this discrepancy, they told me that they don’t stock diet cream soda. I KNOW! THAT’S WHY I FUCKING ASKED YOU ABOUT IT YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! I didn’t say that. I don’t have to say anything. I will let the power of the law do my speaking for me.
The dentist is also an asshole. Don’t fucking tell me to floss when you know I am not going to. Every time I go in there he asks me if I’ve been flossing. “Not as often as I should,” I respond (never). To which he says, “You really should floss. Plaque from your teeth can travel to your heart and kill you.” FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! As if I don’t have enough stress in my life, now you’re telling me that not flossing my teeth can actually put my life at risk? If you think that information is going to change my behavior, you are mistaken. The only thing it’s going to do is make me hate you more, Mr. Dentist. I wasn’t crazy about you to begin with, but now you’re threatening my life! Your flossing scare tactics will not get me to take better care of my teeth, but they will cost you tens of thousands of dollars in litigation. I hope you have malpractice insurance, asshole.
Hey asshole friend of mine who gave me the mountain bike you didn’t want anymore: YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE. The mountain bike wasn’t “free.” It needed a hundred and thirty dollar “tune-up” just to get it in working order, and then when I finally took it out on the trails behind my house, it was FUCKING HARD! You told me mountain biking was “a blast.” Fuck you, you fucking hippie. Mountain biking isn’t A BLAST! It’s fucking scary riding a bike over logs and rocks. I’m almost forty years old. Did you really think I’d be out there with my baggie filled with GORP (good old-fashioned raisins and peanuts), chugging up mountain passes and navigating waterfalls??? FUCK YOU! So now I have this mountain bike sitting in my garage that I’m probably never going to use again. And it’s mocking me. Every time I see it, I think about what a loser I am, and every time I think about that, do you what I think about? What an ASSHOLE YOU ARE! I hate when friendships end in litigation but this was your own fault, dickwad.
There are other assholes out there: My wife, who suggested it might be fun to go apple picking; my kids who, while “apple picking,” instead made their way over to the pumpkin patch where picked out the biggest pumpkins they could find, knowing how hard it would be for me to carry them all the way back to the car; Michael Showalter who is an asshole on general principle; Republicans; and the Cub Scout leader I am going to meet tonight who is an asshole by definition. Fuck all of you. See you in court.