I Am Not A Real American
A new theme has lately emerged in the upcoming presidential election by which certain parties claim that certain other parties are not “real” Americans, and may in fact be “anti-American.” Because I fall into the camp that is more often accused of such things, let me be the first of my people to come clean and declare to the world: I am not a real American.
I did not know this about myself until I started listening to the candidates. Whenever they discussed the habits and predilections of anti-Americans, I found myself thinking “Hey, that sounds like me.”
For example, I read the New York Times. Not once in a while. Every day. I thought I did this because I enjoy knowing what’s going on in the world, but now I know that I read that newspaper because I hate America.
Second, I live on the east coast. People on the east coast apparently drink a disproportionate amount of latte, eat an astronomical amount of cheese, and attend waaay too many cocktail parties. Guilty, guilty, and guilty (I do not drink coffee beverages, but I do drink green tea and if I had to guess, green tea is probably anti-American too). Furthermore, I spent ten years of my life living in New York City, probably the most godless, anti-American city in this country, except one:
Yes, I lived in Hollywood. For about a year and a half. To further my career. Big mistake. At the time, I didn’t consider moving to Southern California as anything worse than selling out my soul. Never did I imagine I was also selling out my country. But I was. Everybody now knows that people who live in Hollywood hate America. It’s like Tehran over there, only with more fake boobs and better fast food chicken.
I do not go to church. I don’t go to Christian church or Jew church or any other church. I don’t go to church at all. Not ever. A perfect Sunday for me is spent drinking green tea while reading the Sunday New York Times. Yikes! Why don’t I just turn in my Al-Qaeda membership form and call it a day? As if that wasn’t bad enough, not only do I not go to church:
I don’t believe in God. How can I say the Pledge of Allegiance if I don’t believe in God? How can I spend our American currency which pledges “In God We Trust?” How can I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help me God? Answer: I can’t. It’s a real problem. Don’t get me wrong – I’d like to believe in God. I wish I did, especially if He was the kind of God that thought America was #1. But I don’t, which to many people is the same as not believing in America. Up until recently, I thought those people were lunatics. Now I know that I’m the crazy one. The crazy, America-hating one, that is.
Man, I hate this country. I hate this country so much that sometimes when I’m watching baseball on TV and they start singing the national anthem I do not put my hand over my heart. Honestly, there are times when I don’t even stand up.
And the last time I wore a flag pin on my lapel? Never. Which is to say that, in my life, I've worn fewer American flag lapel pins than I have Duran Duran pins. Talk about a traitor!
I hate this country so much that when the Boy Scouts come around asking me to buy holiday wreaths, I usually just buy one. Never mind the fact that I’ve got half a dozen doors on my house. One is my limit.
I hate this country with such a passion that I have used foul language when describing our president. And not just during peacetime, but during a time of war. I have used hateful words like “retard,” and “asshole.” Who is the president if not the commander in chief? So when I call him a retard and an asshole, I now know that I am calling our troops retards and assholes too. God I hate the troops.
Moreover, I am a Communist. I know this because I think Barack Obama (socialist/terrorist) is right to say that the top wage earners in this country should pay a little bit more to help dig us out of the hole that our current retarded, asshole president has dug for us. And even though that means I am voting to give myself a tax increase, I am doing it not because I think that I, and people like me, should "spread the wealth" a little bit more, but because I believe Barack Obama will finally transform this country into a godless worker’s paradise.
And sometimes if offered apple pie, I say no.
And I believe that social security is pretty good just the way it is.
And there have been times, many times, when I have disagreed with this country and hated America enough to express my disagreement. Sometimes in the privacy of my own home, but sometimes in public, on the same streets that real Americans have to walk.
Here’s how much I hate America: when the Supreme Court decided that inmates at Guantanamo had the right to challenge the legality of their detention, I came right out and said (and this is an exact quote), “Good.” And when it was learned that Americans were torturing suspected terrorists, I said, (and this is an exact quote) “Not good.”
Let me be unequivocal: I hate, hate, hate America.
There may be some of you out there who say, “If you hate this country so much why don’t you leave?” Well I would, except that I’ve also recently learned from the same people that told me how much I hate the US that America is the greatest country in the history of mankind. So even though I obviously hate our nation and everybody in it, I am reluctant to leave just in case expressing my constituional freedoms doesn't mean I'm not a real American.