When I was writing about the beach yesterday I started thinking about clothing optional resorts. As somebody who is kind of a perv, I obviously like this idea, but the more I look at pictures from these places, the more I realize "clothing optional" is just a euphemism for "unattractive required." What is about walking around with with your flapjacks flapping that appeals to the out-of-shape set? Nudists always say their particular proclivity isn't about sex, but I think that's bullshit. What else could it be about? After all, playing naked volleyball is the same as playing uncomfortable volleyball; it's not the kind of thing you'd do unless you really wanted to see some seriously jiggly ballsacks.
Even if I didn't play any sports, I don't see how I could enjoy such a place. For one thing, I never want to place my naked buttocks upon any piece of wicker furniture where I know another set of buttocks has just been. Also, I simply don't see how I could use the dining facilities unless every person there were fully shaved (although going hungry is clearly not a problem for most nudists).
Some activities would be okay: swimming, for example. Skinny dipping is a time-honored tradition that is fun precisely because when you are skinny-dipping, your naughty parts are partially obscured by the water. The water feels good and if you play it right, you can give yourself an enema. By extension, naked snorkeling would also be fun although I don't know if wearing swim flippers would be a rules violation. If not, why would flippers which help you swim be within the rules, but sneakers which help you run would not?
What happens if you want to play basketball? That asphalt can get pretty hot. Don't you need sneakers to protect your feet? And if you're wearing sneakers, don't you need socks to protect yourself from blisters? If so, do you really want to be the guy wearing sneakers and socks, but nothing else? Because, trust me, that just looks stupid. Or what if you are highly allergic to poison ivy like I am? Or what if you wake up and decide to wear a phony zebra tail one day? Are phony zebra tails allowed?
Now I know that a lot of nudists who read this will say, "That's why it's called 'clothing optional!'" But I also know that when you go to these places there's a lot of peer pressure to take off your duds. From the moment you arrive, they're always like, "Wouldn't you be more comfortable if you took off your Ali Baba costume?" Try saying no and see what happens.
As I consider my end-of-summer vacation plans, I have pretty much ruled out clothing optional resorts. On the other hand, I do want to spend some quality naked time with strangers. The solution? Swingers clubs.