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August 21, 2008

Clothing Optional Resorts

When I was writing about the beach yesterday I started thinking about clothing optional resorts. As somebody who is kind of a perv, I obviously like this idea, but the more I look at pictures from these places, the more I realize "clothing optional" is just a euphemism for "unattractive required." What is about walking around with with your flapjacks flapping that appeals to the out-of-shape set? Nudists always say their particular proclivity isn't about sex, but I think that's bullshit. What else could it be about? After all, playing naked volleyball is the same as playing uncomfortable volleyball; it's not the kind of thing you'd do unless you really wanted to see some seriously jiggly ballsacks.

Even if I didn't play any sports, I don't see how I could enjoy such a place. For one thing, I never want to place my naked buttocks upon any piece of wicker furniture where I know another set of buttocks has just been. Also, I simply don't see how I could use the dining facilities unless every person there were fully shaved (although going hungry is clearly not a problem for most nudists).

Nudist-2-360
            (Nudists enjoying a little din-din in the raw.)

Some activities would be okay: swimming, for example. Skinny dipping is a time-honored tradition that is fun precisely because when you are skinny-dipping, your naughty parts are partially obscured by the water. The water feels good and if you play it right, you can give yourself an enema. By extension, naked snorkeling would also be fun although I don't know if wearing swim flippers would be a rules violation. If not, why would flippers which help you swim be within the rules, but sneakers which help you run would not?

What happens if you want to play basketball? That asphalt can get pretty hot. Don't you need sneakers to protect your feet? And if you're wearing sneakers, don't you need socks to protect yourself from blisters? If so, do you really want to be the guy wearing sneakers and socks, but nothing else? Because, trust me, that just looks stupid. Or what if you are highly allergic to poison ivy like I am? Or what if you wake up and decide to wear a phony zebra tail one day? Are phony zebra tails allowed?

Now I know that a lot of nudists who read this will say, "That's why it's called 'clothing optional!'" But I also know that when you go to these places there's a lot of peer pressure to take off your duds. From the moment you arrive, they're always like, "Wouldn't you be more comfortable if you took off your Ali Baba costume?" Try saying no and see what happens.

As I consider my end-of-summer vacation plans, I have pretty much ruled out clothing optional resorts. On the other hand, I do want to spend some quality naked time with strangers. The solution? Swingers clubs.

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Susanna

I think most people at Clothing Optional resorts are just flat out tired of trying to find clothes that fit them. Maybe it's more "I give up!" than sexual.

Yay nudists!!

Reen

OMG, you are KILLING me right now!

I have to finish my Chianti drink (fff ff ffftt) and get back to this. But - SHIT you are so funny!

I know a couple who go to nudist colonies ALL THE TIME. He has an enormous wiener. He's like 6ft 7 and has huge appendages and awesome Chicago Bulls tatoos. Anyway, we've all been friends since grammar school so they're a couple in my very cool "inner circle". I love these 2. I wont go into our friendship OR his big wiener right now (or ever) but I will say they have taken video at said beaches of other people (not themselves, that would be weird for me to watch) and some of the nudists are HOT, my friend. Quite hot. They do gymnastics and other poses in front of the videos and everything. Free porn! But, most of them are, as you say...not. Wah wah wah waaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh <--thats the "missed the last Bozo Bucket" melody.

(See? I've said too much. Afuckinggain).

Reen

And don't get me STARTED on swingers clubs. One of the largest in our state is in the next town over! I've heard stories that would curl your jawline!

Zane

"On the other hand, I do want to spend some quality naked time with strangers. The solution?" More book tour dates!

Zane

Oh and thanks Renee for outing me, although David's tattoo isn't of the Chicago Bulls and we haven't been friends since grammar school and we've never met so I couldn't have shown you any of our cool homemade naked beach videos....um, maybe you didn't mean us after all and I just assumed, from those first 2 sentences... Carry on.

Ethereal Zoe

Scoff if you will Black, but speaking as a fat nudist swinger, I must tell you that basketweave chair caning impressions are the "rug burns" of 2008's truly elite (and of 1978's newly-Herpetic shut-ins).

Plus, when we're having fun we make our own seat varnish! Totally eco-friendly.

Camille

All this nudist/swinger talk gives me the heebie jeebies. I'm guessing the swingers are just a few drinks away from nudists.
Cue the 70's porn music....

Reen

Wonkawonkawonka Cammie!

And Zane you made me dribble liquid!!

Michael? Hellloooo? Knock KNOCK McFly! Naked stranger parties? There we all are! Right in front of your non-jewish-looking nose!

Course we're like old as fuck..but other than that...

(Good gawd, I'm sooooooo inappropriate. Even an hour later.)

Reen

Zoe - I'd totally address you too if you didnt use all those fancy words like "herpetic".

Charley

It's true about naked people. I used to work in a one-hour photo place, and in my experience the only people developing naked photos of themselves were exactly the type of people you would never want to see naked.

Jaime

Here here Zane!! Hahaha, clever clever. I like it! More book tour dates indeed!

But let's not make our own varnish -- that was _wicked_ Zoe :) Ewwwww, bad bad yucko images . . . burned in skull . . . and on my mind-face. Ack!

(I want some chianti. With Brett Farvre beans.)

Daniel Dickey

Usually I laugh at your wity blogs, but today my friend. I spent my time reading this "Intersting", and when I say interting I'm refering to the constant "Big Weiner Chatter", lefted in a comment.

I have copyed and pasted it so we all can read it once a again and wonder if a women or a very wild wild gay man wrote this.

Side Note: Don't miss the part about naked gymnastics...it's a ball....pun intended.

OMG, you are KILLING me right now!

I have to finish my Chianti drink (fff ff ffftt) and get back to this. But - SHIT you are so funny!

I know a couple who go to nudist colonies ALL THE TIME. He has an enormous wiener. He's like 6ft 7 and has huge appendages and awesome Chicago Bulls tatoos. Anyway, we've all been friends since grammar school so they're a couple in my very cool "inner circle". I love these 2. I wont go into our friendship OR his big wiener right now (or ever) but I will say they have taken video at said beaches of other people (not themselves, that would be weird for me to watch) and some of the nudists are HOT, my friend. Quite hot. They do gymnastics and other poses in front of the videos and everything. Free porn! But, most of them are, as you say...not. Wah wah wah waaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh <--thats the "missed the last Bozo Bucket" melody.

(See? I've said too much. Afuckinggain).

Reptar

Does anyone else ever get the feeling that truckers drive in the nude, or at least sans pants? I think that's why they're ALWAYS looking at you and not the road when you drive by. They're rubbing one out to your complete lack of awareness that you're rubbing one out. And to your teenage stepdaughter. Mostly her.

This also confirms the "Simpsons" conspiracy that truckers don't actually drive the trucks, the trucks drive themselves. Which makes a lot more fucking sense than a job someone signs up for that's boring as shit and requires them to pay attention to things all day.

Saynomore?Yesssaynomore

Daniel, that poster is definitely a "wild wild gay man". So yeah, that makes it 4 times in a row that you were right. Four times!

Now bend over so I can kick you in da ash.


Reptar

I misspoke in my previous comment, to call it out before anyone else does. The truckers are rubbing one out to your complete lack of awareness that THEY are rubbing one out, not that you are rubbing one out.

Unless you obliviously masturbate while driving. Which I'm sure happens, and hey, I'm not one to judge. But I don't think it's very likely that the truckers in the lane next to you are necessarily masturbating to the fact that you don't know that YOU are masturbating...and instead masturbating to the fact that you don't know that THEY are masturbating.

I'm glad I had a chance to clarify this very serious matter. Now please, let me go check my blog and see if anyone has commented on anything yet, and go grab my special cutting razors when I see that they still haven't. I just need to CONTROL THE PAIN, you know.

Jaime

I always masturbate to the fact that other drivers don't know that they are masturbating. Unintentional masturbation is wicked hhhhot.

Jaime

Reen. You hot gay man you. I love your big weiner chatter.

Camille

If Reen is a big wiener-ed gay dude, then I'm a perfectly sculpted beach volleyball player that also happens to be a master at scrabble.

Reen

Oh J and C (not to be confused with JC) - I can always count on my girls. Thanks for coming to my defense against that big meanie.

And Reptar, I tried commenting on your blog but was unable to because I am not a member of that elitist site. And I care not for another blogging site. Do you have a myspace blog? If so, link yourself up to it, instead of being an inhabitant of a 3rd world country.

Reptar

Well I'm not rich/famous/Jet Jackson enough to own one of them fancy TypePad blogs where everyone can comment and bow down before thee. Blogger's the best I could do, and I believe it's set up to allow anyone to comment, including non-members? Maybe not. I'm not very good with the "Internets" these days, outside of that addicting-as-crack helicopter game and some pirate porn sites here and there. "Thar she blows" indeed.

Reen

Typepad is for rich people from New England. I'm talking about the still free site: myspace.

Ok, here's what I get when I attempt to comment on your quite funny blog. I get a lot of crap, that's what I get. Kate Capshaws and tons of stupid questions: "How about choosing an identity, Jason Bourne?" "Make an account password so I can steal said identity!"

What the hell Reptar. What. The. Hell.

Look and see for yourself...


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Reptar

I do so apologize for the e-annoyances. Should I ever find myself in a position to usurp all authority from Blogger, I will ensure that the site never asks annoying questions while attempting to comment AND uses secret military teleportation technology to send a gallon of malted milk balls to your location.

I think I had a MySpace when I was in high school. And no joke, some creepy Asian dude from Pasadena messaged me offering to fly me out to Cali (from Indiana) and pay me $50 to let him suck my toes. At first I thought it was some elaborate prank my friends were pulling, then I remembered that all my friends were borderline retarded and would have most assuredly offered to suck my "balls", not "toes." Foot fetishes were beyond their comprehension.

Moral of story? MySpace creeped me out a great deal and I deleted said account. I guess I could look into making a new one and just posting the same material from Blogger over to MySpace, but I need some kind of guarantee that I won't be solicited by California Asians for footsex.

It's in times like these I ask myself: what would Michael Ian Black do?

His Little Slut

The more attractive people who give nudist resorts a chance the more attractive people we will see -at- nudist resorts.

I'd love to visit some nude beaches and a nudist resort or two. I'd avoid like the plague the obese and otherwise unattractive in the crowd, but still have a good time.

Swingers' clubs sometimes have attractive people but sometimes are filled with old and obese people too, so be aware of that. *wink*

Reen

Reptar, like crepes, make myspace one of your necessary evils.

I can't guarantee you will be free from innuendos and invitations from Asians and even white people. Like George Michael before them, they want your sex. What I can suggest is that you take those messages in stride. Afterall, internet people aren't real.

Go open your myspace! Let us be non-real/blog commenting/never inappropriate late night messaging friends together, shall we?

Travis Bouters

wow...looks like interupted something.

I just wanted to comment on Michael's blog and here there's this wierd commentary between two readers, makes you wonder if all is welcome here.

Anyway, Michael, you are awesome man, keep it up.

Travis

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