So Tucker Max has officially accepted my challenge to a fight. Good. That was the easy part. The hard part? Deciding exactly how I am going to rearrange his face. Will I pluck out an eye and stuff it up his nostril? Will I make him choke down his own tongue until he throws it up and then sit on his head and force him to lap up his own puke like a bad little puppy? Or will I simply knock out his teeth and then use them as Chinese death stars which I will then throw into his black heart? I just do not know. But I do know this: Tucker Max is going down. How do I know this? Because Tucker may have the athleticism, the muscles, the fighting skills, the experience, the guts, and the heart. But I have something he will NEVER have – I’m not sure what that is, but if I think about it long enough I will probably come up with something. I might be better at Scrabble, for example. (I also have one of the original pets.com sock puppets, which I’m sure he doesn’t have, and will never have, but I don’t think that will help me in the fight.)
So confident is he of winning this fight that he has offered to give me one of his piddling royalty checks (“which should be for about $150,000”). Fuck that. Does he think a hundred and fifty thousand dollars means ANYTHING to me? Well it doesn’t!* I’M ON BASIC CABLE TELEVISION!!! He says we don’t even have to make it a bet. That I can just keep the check if I win, and he gets nothing if he loses. Well I say let’s make it a bet, you punked-out vagina! If I win, I get the royalty check. Fine. I’ll take your shitty little check and use it to wipe my ass.** But if you win, I will give you my ENTIRE COLLECTION of books about New Kids on the Block. I have three of them and now that they have reformed, those books are worth A LOT MORE THAN $150,000!!!*** That’s how confident I am that I am going to not only destroy your body, but your entire psyche.
He asks me to pick the time and place. I will have to work on that, but rest assured it will be soon and it will be well-publicized and it will be sponsored and there will be some hot ring girls and probably a motorcycle jump before the fight. Also, I am hoping to enter the ring via helicopter. And I’m going to get a special robe with my name bedazzled on it. And you know how UFC has the Octagon? Well our ring is going to be shaped like the Star of Fucking David. Because that’s how we Jews roll.
Tucker Max, you are going to regret the day you ever read my blog.
(Tucker Max when I get through with him)
*When I say it doesn’t mean “anything” to me, what I actually mean is, that would mean a lot. I haven't had steady work in a while.
** After I use it to wipe my ass, I will then use it to pay off a home equity loan I took out to finish my basement.
*** It’s true I have the books, but I think they are probably worth, in total, about a dollar fifty.