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July 13, 2008

Tucker Max is Quaking in His Little Girl Ducky Boots

So Tucker Max has officially accepted my challenge to a fight. Good. That was the easy part. The hard part? Deciding exactly how I am going to rearrange his face. Will I pluck out an eye and stuff it up his nostril? Will I make him choke down his own tongue until he throws it up and then sit on his head and force him to lap up his own puke like a bad little puppy? Or will I simply knock out his teeth and then use them as Chinese death stars which I will then throw into his black heart? I just do not know. But I do know this: Tucker Max is going down. How do I know this? Because Tucker may have the athleticism, the muscles, the fighting skills, the experience, the guts, and the heart. But I have something he will NEVER have – I’m not sure what that is, but if I think about it long enough I will probably come up with something. I might be better at Scrabble, for example. (I also have one of the original pets.com sock puppets, which I’m sure he doesn’t have, and will never have, but I don’t think that will help me in the fight.)

So confident is he of winning this fight that he has offered to give me one of his piddling royalty checks (“which should be for about $150,000”). Fuck that. Does he think a hundred and fifty thousand dollars means ANYTHING to me? Well it doesn’t!* I’M ON BASIC CABLE TELEVISION!!! He says we don’t even have to make it a bet. That I can just keep the check if I win, and he gets nothing if he loses. Well I say let’s make it a bet, you punked-out vagina! If I win, I get the royalty check. Fine. I’ll take your shitty little check and use it to wipe my ass.** But if you win, I will give you my ENTIRE COLLECTION of books about New Kids on the Block. I have three of them and now that they have reformed, those books are worth A LOT MORE THAN $150,000!!!*** That’s how confident I am that I am going to not only destroy your body, but your entire psyche. 

He asks me to pick the time and place. I will have to work on that, but rest assured it will be soon and it will be well-publicized and it will be sponsored and there will be some hot ring girls and probably a motorcycle jump before the fight. Also, I am hoping to enter the ring via helicopter. And I’m going to get a special robe with my name bedazzled on it. And you know how UFC has the Octagon? Well our ring is going to be shaped like the Star of Fucking David. Because that’s how we Jews roll.

Tucker Max, you are going to regret the day you ever read my blog.

2658522_2

                         (Tucker Max when I get through with him)

*When I say it doesn’t mean “anything” to me, what I actually mean is, that would mean a lot. I haven't had steady work in a while.

** After I use it to wipe my ass, I will then use it to pay off a home equity loan I took out to finish my basement.

*** It’s true I have the books, but I think they are probably worth, in total, about a dollar fifty.

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Burny5

First

Burny5

(I'm so ashamed of myself)

Burny5

I think we need a corporate sponsor. I'm thinking satellite radio, because nothing is better than the sound of bleeding.

Burny5

I'll shut up now.

Drizaya

HOT RING GIRLS!!! WOOOOOOT!

Paul

I think the "hot ring girls" should be all the scabbed, scarred tarts that Tucker Max diseased throughout college.

Julie

I love you. Please fight him.

s.gothman

From the look of the photographic illustration, you intend to beat this fellow by having your period all over his face. Cunning!

windex

I guess I'll start mourning your loss in advance. You're the best VH1 has to offer, it wont be the same without you.

Sebastian

The question on everyone's mind:

Why the FUCK have you got a collection New Kids on the Block books?

Colby Armstrong

Who the fuck is Michael Ian Black? Your career is one step from gay porn...Tucker is going to hurt you.

kinky twinkie

hahahahah

Reen

This is all very funny. But also kind of scary. Scary in a "helpless bystander stuffed in the "Speed" bus, and you're Sandra crazy ass driver Bullock" kind of way.

What are you UP to Michael? This guy looks Germanic.

Even so, YOU'RE the slut of the month. Thinking...thinking... Hey. Sex him up a bit. Razzle-dazzle him. In a nutshell - put him under a "Mango" type spell!

Susanna

Oh dear. Please start carrying Mace on your person at all times. Also, you might want to insure your cheekbones and jawline, just in case.

Regretful Morning

I've got 20 bones on Tucker. Have you seen his tight buttox? That boy be in shape.

me again

You get to fight Tucker Max and we get to fight his idiot followers that will inevitably find their way to this blog. They always do, Mike. They always do.

And as much as I hate him, perhaps there are things to be learned from the enemy. You should start blogging more about all the drunken orgies that surely come with being a basic cable comedian.

Miles

MIB, start lifting, and get metal WOLVERINE implants in your knuckles so you can deploy sharp knives.

michaelianblack

btards off 4chan would put up a better fight then this hack of a comedian

Zane

I noticed that this is quite typical of the kind of reviews this Tucker Max is getting on Amazon (and BTW, my poor review of his book and suggestion to do yourself a favor and get My Custom Van by MIB instead was deleted earlier today as well):

Tucker Deletes Reviews, January 11, 2006
By Cervantes Muse
I already wrote this, but because I gave it two stars and denounced it as terrible (and many other reviewers have had similar experiences) I believe Tucker is having the negative reviews deleted. I have heard about this before, and no, I cannot be sure, but it is the most logical of conclusions one can come to.

Read the website instead. Tucker makes up stuff because he can't really write and tries to pass it off as autobiographical b/c no one would ever buy this if it was marketed as it should be: fiction. A shallow shell of a human being, Tucker will appeal to 15-23 yr olds with low critical thinking ability. If you like to read books, be sure you will not like this one. If you like watching television more than reading, than I could recommend this to read during the commercials of 'The Real World' (what a funny title that is! Sort of like Tucker's books, funny for the wrong reasons).

Jaime

Seriously. This guy is a fucking asshole. I just read his butt sex blog, and I think I'm going to blaaaaah all over my keyboard. And not in a, "that's so disgusting it is funny" kind of way, but a "I just watched the end of Requiem for a Dream and I weep for our nation and the women who fall prey to these jerk offs" kind of way. I am not exaggerating when I say I feel physically ill over this douchebag (a.) existing, and especially (b.) being successful.

Restore my faith in humanity Michael, and men especially. Poison dart his ass and stuff him with Astroglide while hobos vomit on him. He is evil.

shro

jews are badass as far as i can tell. make sure to youtube this.

Jaime

OK, my nausea is still rocking me, but whatever. Maybe poison darting isn't so gentlemanly. Being that you two are both comedians (or, you are, and he claims to be), you should go 8 Mile on the jerk, don a hot hoodie, a brooding pucker, and battle it out with comedy. Now that's a battle I'd love to see. Just keep humming "Lose Yourself" in your head as you take a one-two jab with your white-hot-poker improv in his self-exalting butthole. Don't use lube either, but do tape it.

I suspect this douche has not an original funny bone in his little retarded body. I think Renee is right. Use your awesome mind. It _is_ wickedly sharp and more deadly than a meat cleaver. Hack that T(f)ucker into little unfunny pieces. Which would then finally make him funny, so everyone wins.

GutterBalls

"and I weep for our nation and the women who fall prey to these jerk offs"

Hahaha! So funny. Wait, are you for real?

ANyways, I hope Tucker and Michael fight. I hope the fight will be filmed and uploaded for all to see.

Blood! Blood! Blood!

Therese

As it is with our great nation' leaders in modern times, don't do your fighting yourself, mobilise your respective armies of fans to do the dirty work for you.

Gone are the times when kings would bravely lead their troops into the fray. Get yourself a ringside seat and watch the fans tear each other asunder.

I say this because 1. I don't want your pretty face messed up, and 2. I don't live in America.

But really, I agree with the others, a war of wits is what it should be all about.

Or a video game match.

Camille

A fan fight...good idea. Did I mention I bruise easily? However, I can take some good photos for insurance purposes.

This couldn't have been timed better. Perhaps by tomorrow(first official sale day) you will be #1?

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