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July 14, 2008

Some Suggestions For Where Tucker and I Could Duke It Out

I'm starting to think I got it backwards when I started a literary feud with David Sedaris, and an actual feud with Tucker Max. Sedaris is short, out of shape, and forty seven years old. I could probably take him in a fight. Max, not so much. He's bigger, stronger, faster, and crazier than me, while my strengths - snarkiness and a keen eye for the absurd - probably won't help me in the "Jewagon" (which is the name I have come up for the Star of David shaped ring in which I plan on fighting). Nevertheless, a fistfight has been offered and a fistfight has been accepted. And so, it falls to me to name the time and place. 

I have some suggestions:

1. The Superdome, New Orleans. Scene of the greatest natural disaster in our nation's history, it can now be the home of the single greatest exhibition of one out-of-shape white guy beating up another. I don't know what it costs to rent out the Astrodome, but I figure Tucker can just use one of his royalty checks to pay for it. Not only would this be good for the fight, it would be good for America.

2. The Faulkland Islands. Scene of the greatest British/Argentinian war in history. Added bonus: wonderful sightseeing. Think colorful houses and picturesque cathedrals!

3. SeaWorld Orlando. Even though this isn't necessarily the first place people think of when they think of fisticuffs, they have a wonderful penguin encounter there that will be educational (and fun) for everybody after the fight.

4. The barn from "Footloose" where Kevin Bacon taught Chris Penn how to dance.

5. A graveyard at midnight (spooooky!)

6. Beijing, China. Right after the Olympics, they will host the Paralympics in which disabled athletes compete for Olympic gold. Let our fight show them that even being able-bodied isn't necessarily an advantage when you look like me. Could be very inspirational.

7. Chuck E. Cheese's. We could clear out the tables and when the animatronic creatures start singing, we start swinging.

8. Christopher Street, New York City. If we're going to have a homoerotic encounter, we might as well be someplace where somebody's going to get off on it (besides Tucker's fans, I mean).

9. Michael Jordan's house. I'm not sure why Michael Jordan would offer the use of his home for this occasion, but wouldn't it be great? I bet his house is so nice. He's probably got a flat screen TV and a big leather sectional. Sweet. If Michael Jordan is reading this, I promise to use coasters for whatever post-fight drinks we consume.

10. Any place on Earth where kittens need a home.


                               (Perfect location for a fight)


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FIRSTIES!! In your FACE, Preston! ;-)


If Michael Jordan's house doesn't work out, you can hold this fight at my house. I've got a flat screen TV and a leather sectional. And I also have lots of extra towels to mop up blood.


You know.. this guy my be nuts enough to think you're serious. Don't be surprised if you're at an Arby's with your kids some weekend and you're suddenly getting the crap beat out of you by some drunk guy that wrote a book.

Just in case that happens, have your children carry around a video camera so they can record it and post the beat down on YouTube.


You are digging yourself a hole, deeper and deeper. You better not pussy out.


fyi...the Astrodome is in Houston. The Superdome is in New Orleans.


Here is a YouTube video of how one of Tucker's friend/employee deals with criticism in a public forum.

Tucker is the one recording the video: http://tinyurl.com/6gjawv


three things.

1. You're absolutely hilarious.

2. It's going to suck when Tucker (who is even funnier) ends you by pounding your face into the ground. This, of course, is assuming that you possess testicles and will actually fight him.

3. His book is kicking your book's ass on Amazon.

p.s. I see what Tucker means. This being-an-asshole thing is kind of fun.


Alright, alright, so now that the funny is out of the way it is time to start fighting. Don't bitch out!


May I suggest the infamous Peach Pit from 90210?


Uh, Thrilla in Manilla II... duh.


Another suggested location for the fight.

The Stray Cat bar in Shreveport, LA.

Tucker is currently working on his film in Shreveport.

The Stray Cat bar is where Josh Brolin recently got arrested for trying to help keep one of his rowdy crew members from being thrown in jail. http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/Movies/07/12/actors.arrested.ap/index.html

At least at the Stray Cat, you can run around the bar trying to avoid being punched until the Shreveport police show up and throw everyone in jail.


Damnit, Susanna. Good work. I really need to commit myself.

Steve Huff

"The barn from 'Footloose' where Kevin Bacon taught Chris Penn how to dance."

That's got my vote. Sure you guys can't just do a dance-off? Kevin Bacon-style, though.


Meow, that is funny.

When you say "Duke it out," you are talking Mike Tyson's "Punch Out" by Nintendo right? (I love 1988.) Also, bring lots of Micro Machines to place in his rectum.


Why not space? I want to see the 2 of you duke it out in space. Or my mom's backyard; she said it was okay I promise.

abbey harper

I just saw an ad for "reality bites back". I am going to TiVo the he'll out of it!


"The barn from 'Footloose' where Kevin Bacon taught Chris Penn how to dance."

Wait, that scene was in a barn? Well whatever, it's awesome nevertheless.


I suggest hiding in Bruges.


It makes me sad to think of all the Tucker Max readers that are coming here, polluting your blog with their lack of wit and inability to detect sarcasm.


Don't Tucker Max fans have to be at the gym in 26 minutes?


Did I just see an "In Bruges" reference? Yes, yes I did. Zane, you are my new best friend.


"If we're going to have a homoerotic encounter, we might as well be someplace where somebody's going to get off on it"

Honey, that's pretty much anywhere on the planet.

And be sure you wear the McKinley shorts and tube socks. (Although Fucker Max is no Bradley Cooper).

But even better, for the homoerotic element, how about a drunken, naked and sweaty wrestling match, in front of a roaring open fire, in an English mansion, a la Oliver Reed and Alan Bates in 'Women in Love'?

Now THAT would be worth Youtubing!


Also,a McDonald's/Burger King playland could be an interesting location since the threat of contracting a nasty virus would be an added element of danger.

If you added some hot coffee to those kitties I could just drink em up...soooo cute!
Good luck on your book tour!

Nickel Jean

How about the bike rack after school?


It seems as if tucker's forum goons have infiltrated the comment section here. My comments from yesterday were deleted.

All I said was he had a lisp and got owned by opie and Anthony.

Sheesh. You would have thought I suggested that he had sex with a tranny or some other bloodthirsty shit.

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