I'm starting to think I got it backwards when I started a literary feud with David Sedaris, and an actual feud with Tucker Max. Sedaris is short, out of shape, and forty seven years old. I could probably take him in a fight. Max, not so much. He's bigger, stronger, faster, and crazier than me, while my strengths - snarkiness and a keen eye for the absurd - probably won't help me in the "Jewagon" (which is the name I have come up for the Star of David shaped ring in which I plan on fighting). Nevertheless, a fistfight has been offered and a fistfight has been accepted. And so, it falls to me to name the time and place.
I have some suggestions:
1. The Superdome, New Orleans. Scene of the greatest natural disaster in our nation's history, it can now be the home of the single greatest exhibition of one out-of-shape white guy beating up another. I don't know what it costs to rent out the Astrodome, but I figure Tucker can just use one of his royalty checks to pay for it. Not only would this be good for the fight, it would be good for America.
2. The Faulkland Islands. Scene of the greatest British/Argentinian war in history. Added bonus: wonderful sightseeing. Think colorful houses and picturesque cathedrals!
3. SeaWorld Orlando. Even though this isn't necessarily the first place people think of when they think of fisticuffs, they have a wonderful penguin encounter there that will be educational (and fun) for everybody after the fight.
4. The barn from "Footloose" where Kevin Bacon taught Chris Penn how to dance.
5. A graveyard at midnight (spooooky!)
6. Beijing, China. Right after the Olympics, they will host the Paralympics in which disabled athletes compete for Olympic gold. Let our fight show them that even being able-bodied isn't necessarily an advantage when you look like me. Could be very inspirational.
7. Chuck E. Cheese's. We could clear out the tables and when the animatronic creatures start singing, we start swinging.
8. Christopher Street, New York City. If we're going to have a homoerotic encounter, we might as well be someplace where somebody's going to get off on it (besides Tucker's fans, I mean).
9. Michael Jordan's house. I'm not sure why Michael Jordan would offer the use of his home for this occasion, but wouldn't it be great? I bet his house is so nice. He's probably got a flat screen TV and a big leather sectional. Sweet. If Michael Jordan is reading this, I promise to use coasters for whatever post-fight drinks we consume.
10. Any place on Earth where kittens need a home.
(Perfect location for a fight)