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July 13, 2008

I’m Going to Kick Tucker Max’s Ass

David Spedaris is old news. I am currently trouncing Spedaris in the humor category and in the category of “Who is the hot slut of the month?” I think the pressure was too much for him and he has retreated to his chateau and his baguettes and his coterie of fawning admirers on NPR. Au revoir, Monsieur McStink. So now with that pipsqueak out of the way, I train my sights on the great white whale of Amazon’s humor category, Tucker Max, who has been dominating this list since I began tracking it several weeks ago.


Who is Tucker Max? According to the back cover of his book: “My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole. I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead.”

This is going to be difficult: I think I like Tucker Max.

It’s hard not to like a guy who so consistently throws up on himself. Literature has a long list of lovable alcoholic scamps who embarrass themselves and act like pigs. Judy Blume, for example.

I have always had a special fondness for assholes who know they are assholes and fully embrace their assholeness. It’s sort of how I acted when I was in high school, minus the alcohol and sleeping with girls. So, in retrospect, I guess it’s not how I acted. In fact, now that I think about it, I fucking hated the guys who acted like that. The only difference between Tucker Max and those guys is that those guys didn’t keep blogs. Would I have liked them if they had? If they were good writers, perhaps.

But still. Regardless of whether or not I like Tucker Max, he is still the enemy and I would very much like to cut off his balls and choke him with them (metaphorically speaking).

How do I do that?

I’ve already played out the whole literary feud thing. It worked well, but now it’s over. So what about a real feud? What if I challenge Tucker Max to a fist fight?

Here’s what I’m thinking:

I cannot beat up Tucker Max. I know that. He used to be some kind of athlete and in his pictures he looks like he’s in decent shape. I, on the other hand, can barely stand upright for more than twenty minutes at a time. The last time I threw a punch was also the last time I got my ass kicked. I was eleven. Her name was Kara, and she took karate.

But if Tucker is half the alcoholic that he claims to be, I might have a chance. I’m counting on a couple things going my way. First of all, I’m hoping he shows up to the fight drunk. If his book is to be believed, that’s pretty much all he does, right? So why would he abstain from booze for a fight with a fey VH1 commentator? He wouldn’t. In fact, my strategy is to schedule the fight for eight in the morning, when he will either still be drunk from the night before or completely hung over. Either way that levels the playing field somewhat.

Second, even though he looks like he’s in good shape, his liver has to be a mess. If I can get a couple good shots to the liver, I might do enough damage to that organ that all the toxins that have been accumulating in there for the last decade or so spill into his bloodstream, killing him. Yes, I think I could actually kill Tucker Max. At the very least, I might accelerate his inevitable cirrhosis, which may not win the battle, but will eventually win the war (when he dies from liver failure).

So Tucker Max, you drunk, misogynistic motherfucker – I am officially calling you OUT! I am going to fist fuck every hole in your boozy little body until you crawl away like the sniveling little bitch that you are. YOU’RE DEAD!




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Oh, Preston, you have such lightning quick fingers!

Tucker Max must die.


That's right, Michael; kick his ass! ;-)


"a fey VH1 commentator"

Be still my beating, effeminate-acting-men loving, heart.

Fucker Max may just as well kiss his ass goodbye right now.


You should beat him in to a coma, don't kill him because that makes him a martyr, like Joe McCarthy. His book sales could fly through the roof, and then all you you'd be able to do is pout.

Think about what happened to Jesus: He was just a guy with long hair, a beard, and sandals, now he has the most popular book, ever.

Steve Huff

Michael, as a somewhat beefy former athlete who comes from a large family full of borderline psychopathic rednecks, you know I have your back. This Tucker Max pussy is toast.


First of all, congrats on the number 2 spot! Look at YOU!

Next, who IS this guy anyway? This Max Tucker feller? Never heard of him or his drunken ways. He needs sweepin'.

As much as I love the idea of you swinging away at this guys liver (!!! - excuse me while my cornflakes do a ballerina spin in my tummy) I'm thinking the best way to win a fight with a clown like him is to use your God given gifts. So you're not Joe Frazier. What do you have that would frighten him into submission? Your mega powerful mind, that's what!

VISUALIZE him dead!



Woops! Tucker Max, not Max Tucker. tee hee.

me again

A real feud is infinitely more awesome than a literary one, and I fully support you on your mission to destroy this guy. I don't think he would win. He seems like an overcompensator.


Watch out or he will invite you to move your blog to his semi-defunct Rudius media site

Squirrel Queen

I think this Tucker dude is going to go down, but Judy Blume is one tough broad. Beware. A sucker punch is the only way or she'll Superfudge your Freckle Juice.

Squirrel Queen

I think this Tucker dude is going to go down, but Judy Blume is one tough broad. Beware. A sucker punch is the only way or she'll Superfudge your Freckle Juice.


Who is buying and reading this book? I've never heard of this guy or anyone who has bought the book.

Tucker Max


I accept.



His justification for being an ass reminds me of all the lame-o Blue Collar guys justifying their country fried jokes 'cause they're rednecks.ugh

I don't know if it's coincidence,but my ocular migraine vanished while reading this blog. You have skills.

(Preston,you're lucky I was too drunk to find my computer earlier)


Haha all of you are probably just pissed at Tucker because he once made you feel insignificant by making fun of you. Tucker is possibly the coolest man alive right now. Yes he's an asshole but a funny one. Just because he posts his hilarious stories on a website for the general public to enjoy doesn't mean you can be mad at him when all you do is go out to some boring bar, drink by yourself, and make a feeble pickup attempt only to be ceremoniously shot down by every girl in the bar.
Best of luck in the fight though! You realize he will eventually write a story about this fight and you (Michael Ian Black) will always be remembered as "the guy Tucker Max beat up when he was belligerently drunk" because no one will remember you for anything else.





That should be enough said. Tucker Max not only has the physical attributes to be famous but he is also funnier or more funny. Anyways his writing, unlike our buddy Michael, wasn't written with a Thesaurus in his hand to make his words sound smart and intelligent. Tucker Max has amounted to more through a blog on the internet than Michael Ian Black will in 40 lifetimes. Michael is funny, but he just doesn't have it in him to be successful.

You all are baboons to think otherwise.


I can only imagine the delight Tucker will have getting drunk and kicking your ass. I'd cut and run and hope he max doesn't run into you at a bar within the next 20 years.


This will be a good fight. If Tucker is at a .20, the playing field will be almost even. I'm a big fan of both Michael and Tucker, so if this could be recorded and sold on DVD, I'll be in line right behind the fat kid who watches VH1 all day, and in front of the douche frat boy who worships Tucker Max as if he was Jesus H. Christ himself.


I can't wait to see Tucker Max kick your ass and then post the video for his millions of readers to see. There IS a reason why he has been on the best seller list for that long, you know that, right?

Brett Meisner

Tucker will probably win.



Tucker is going to crush you. This shit is great.

Yeah I agree, bro you are a vh1 pussy to the max. Your ass is grass.

Nick C.

The best part, I believe, will be reading about the fight (not that it's going to happen) on TuckerMax.com.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no fighter. However, I think the idea of a couple of comedians fighting each other will probably look like a couple of monkeys screwing a football.


Tuckers gonna whoop that ass.

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