Henceforth, I Shall Be Known as “New York Times Best-Selling Author Michael Ian Black (Very Famous)”
Yes, it’s a mouthful, but that is my new name. Why? Because in two weeks time I will officially join Bob Woodward and Tori Spelling as a New York Times Best-Selling author. The call came today when I was working with my friend Michael Showalter on a sketch about the word “cunt.” In other words, sometimes life imitates art.
On August 3rd, when the best-seller list becomes official, I will be at number seventeen, which is a terrible number to be. Why? Because the cut-off for the list that they actually print in the newspaper is either fifteen or sixteen. But never seventeen. So I am not going to be in the actual newspaper, but rather I have been ghettoized to the “expanded list,” which is still the best-seller list but does not have the prestigious sheen of the printed version. In poker terms, I am the “bubble boy.” In early John Travolta film terms, I am the “Boy In The Bubble” boy.
(Seventeen is kind of good and kind of bullshit)
Therefore, I have a new goal. TO MAKE THE TOP FIFTEEN!!! To accomplish this, I am going to need your help. How can you help? By buying my fucking book. I have practically been on my hands and knees begging for your support, and while some of you heard my clarion call, still others (and I know who you are) have dithered, perhaps thinking to yourself, “I don’t have enough money to eat AND buy the book.” Bullshit. Let me ask you a question: how long does a good meal fill your belly? A few hours, perhaps. How long does a good book fill your brain? For a lifetime, motherfuckers! For a motherfucking lifetime.
When you don’t feed your brain, what happens? You turn into a zombie. And I think we can all agree that we have enough problems with zombies as it is.
Now look, I wouldn’t tell you to buy the book if it weren’t fantastic, but it is. I know how tough times are out there, (Obviously since I’m a celebrity I don’t really know, but when I was getting my make-up put on for one of my many television appearances I heard somebody talking about it and it almost made me upset.) but when times are tough, laughter is the sweetest medicine. And cash. Actually, I would put cash ahead of laughter, but laughter is a close second. I might also put a strong support system ahead of laughter, which would knock laughter down to third, but again, I think it’s a close third. Just buy the fucking book.
Sincerely,
New York Times Best-Selling Author Michael Ian Black (Very Famous)
oooh,ooooooooh:FIRSTIES!
This is such an honor,I mean, who needs to win or be a finalist in a vilify David Spedaris contest when they can be firsties on such an important blog???
Congrats!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Camille | July 23, 2008 at 08:10 PM
By the way, I knew you'd make it to the list and it's not over by a longshot.You could still climb up the list in the coming weeks,right-o? Maybe then my BAM will finally sell you. They are so fickle and selfish.
(and I DID purchase your book,doo-doo head)
Posted by: Camille | July 23, 2008 at 08:13 PM
Is your book available in libraries? I would totally be able to get it then.
Posted by: Severed | July 23, 2008 at 08:16 PM
Maybe if you viewed it as being "suburbanized" instead of "ghettoized" you wouldn't feel so badly, and you could grow to love your outskirted position in book society.
Posted by: Bella | July 23, 2008 at 08:55 PM
Regarding your new title... Michael Ian Black N.Y.T.B.S.A. is going to look hot on your business cards.
Posted by: Bella | July 23, 2008 at 09:00 PM
Hey -- I want to see your many television performances! Hey, hey, hey -- I wanna see them! Can you get these publicized somewhere here on your blog? I don't want to miss any poignant questions or impromptu fart noises.
Well, wow. Good job, NYTBSAMIB. Is that your new Ojibwean name? It suits you. Congrats.
Posted by: Jaime | July 23, 2008 at 09:21 PM
When are the lists published? Every month? So if I go out and buy a copy every day and return it the next, will it count as lots of people buying them?
Posted by: Julie | July 23, 2008 at 09:32 PM
Just got the book tonight and I lo...Well, I really haven't gotten that far into the book yet, Michael, and even then I have already read most of these first few essays on your blog.
Nice cover art, though!
Posted by: Ali | July 23, 2008 at 09:49 PM
I just bought ten,
i dunno if that helps D:
I Love youuu!
ALOT ;D
Posted by: Amanda$$$! | July 23, 2008 at 10:14 PM
I think your book is sexy and I also think that 24 bucks is not too much to be sexy.
sexy.
Posted by: Vivian | July 23, 2008 at 10:18 PM
Alright! I get paid on Thursday, Jesus. I don't need to pay bills, anyways. :P
Posted by: Jenny | July 23, 2008 at 10:54 PM
Hey,as much as I enjoy your comedy, tell Sho that some folks miss his contributions to witty entertainment as well.
Posted by: get with the shogram | July 23, 2008 at 11:19 PM
I borrowed the book from the library. I know you don't get any money that way, but I am one crafty Jew.
Posted by: Jo | July 24, 2008 at 12:25 AM
I borrowed the book from the library. I know you don't get any money that way, but I am one crafty Jew.
Posted by: Jo | July 24, 2008 at 12:26 AM
YOU'VE BEEN FEATURED ON MYSPACE. honored aren't you?
Posted by: shro | July 24, 2008 at 01:36 AM
If you included cash and a nice, well adjusted family in your book, I would totally buy it right this minute. Since I assume these don't come in the book, I'll have to put it off a whole 3 more days. But when I get it, I'm gonna read it hard and fast all night long.
Posted by: Amber | July 24, 2008 at 03:12 AM
I bought the book, and finished it very quickly, you hilarious very famous man, you.
Also, I'd love to know more about this "cunt" business between you and Michael.
Posted by: Selena | July 24, 2008 at 03:20 AM
If you'd used the 'C' word in the book, then it would probably have sold more copies in certain quarters.
I bought two copies, one for me, and one for a friend who had to make that difficult decision between food and book. A friend in America, as I'm still the only English person who cares who you are.
You really need to crack the European market, because you could start afresh over here, without VH1 and erroneous references to Kids in The Hall (which was shown over here, but so long ago that no-one remembers it, except me).
Posted by: Therese | July 24, 2008 at 03:42 AM
Any plans to make the book available in kindle format? Please?!.....
Posted by: John Q. | July 24, 2008 at 09:04 AM
i bought your book!
however, could it be published in paperback?? maybe more people would purchase it that way. maybe you would be #1 on the Paperback Non-Fiction list...or at least #15
Posted by: Olivia | July 24, 2008 at 10:32 AM
You're an ass.
Posted by: Lola | July 24, 2008 at 11:25 AM
Great Scott, you ARE important!
Congratulations, truly. You'll keep climbing.
And um, ick? You dropped the c bomb. And although both can easily be whispered behind closed doors, I've never attempted to say or write the "C" word or the "P" word in public. I cringe at the "G/D" words as well. (Waspy upbringing)
I have, however, no problem whatsoever with Motherfucker.
Posted by: Reen | July 24, 2008 at 12:19 PM
In answer to dear Reen, on the subject of the 'C' word:
There was a whole documentary devoted to the word, it's origins and usage, shown here on the BBC. If the Beeb can let that one go to air, then it can't be all that bad.
It's one of the more meaty swear words, one of the ones into which you can inject so much venom and hatred. Very satisfying when called for!
Posted by: Therese | July 24, 2008 at 01:18 PM
I can't Tee!
Ccc, Cccccc, ccuuh. See?
Drats. Foiled again!
(Story of my life)
Posted by: Reen | July 24, 2008 at 02:11 PM
omg. youre so funny
Posted by: justegladeen | July 24, 2008 at 02:12 PM