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June 18, 2008

My Whereabouts

I know that I have been a little MIA with the blog lately and I apologize. Saturday I flew home, after a month in Los Angeles, then spent Father's Day at home ignoring my children. Monday I ran errands (played poker, did some blow), Tuesday I ran more errands (ordered mulch, did a little more blow), and today I am at my friend Michael Showalter's expansive Brooklyn manse. We are hard at work on a hush-hush television project for one of the only two networks that will employ me: Comedy Central. At the moment he is at the veterinarian because one of his cats has the dropsies. Actually, I'm not sure what the problem is with his cat, but I'm hoping they put the thing to sleep because when I was eating lunch earlier today, it stuck its big cat snout in my cream soda, rendering it undrinkable. Many people would say that just because a cat sniffed my soda pop is no reason to wish for its death, but many people aren't me. I'm me, and I want it dead. I freely admit that my anger may be misdirected at the cat, when the person I am really angry at is me due to some unresolved emotional issues, but as I think about it, I think it really is directed at the cat. Anyway, I also did a photo shoot today for New York's hometown paper, The Daily News. They're going to run an article sometime soon about me and my book. I went to Amazon to see how the book is selling. Not well, my friends, not well at all. It's ranked number 65,414. That's not very good. Of course the book doesn't come out for almost a whole month, but I'm still concerned. To contrast, Chelsea Handler and David Sedaris, two contemporaries also writing humorous fiction, each have a book in the top 10. That's 65,314 places better than me. Are Chelsea Handler and David Sedaris 65,313 places better than me? I don't think so. Especially when you consider how short David Sedaris is. My height alone should prove my worth against him. Anyway, those are my wheareabouts. Tomorrow and for the foreseeable future, I will also be working with Showalter. You are probably chomping at the bit wondering what kind of amazingness we are coming up for Comedy Central, but I am not going to tell you because that would spoil the surprise. But I will say this: it's going to be at least the 65,414th funniest show on television.


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It's okay Michael! Sorry I have nothing important to say, I just wanted to be the first to comment.


eeeps, that ranking is grim. I'll be sure to tell everyone I know about your book so you can count on your number to rise to at least 65,410.


I'm pleased to see this blog because I was thinking about writing and asking you to tell us what you are up to, but decided against it. How about doing something CRAZY like going on myspace and facebook and telling people to buy the book? Even if that goes against everything you feel you are as a decent person and not an attention-seeker, maybe it could be a fun experiment to step outside yourself and actually self-promote a bit. Pretend you are Jim Gaffigan and tell everyone if they really loved you they would pre-order the book and rank it on amazon as the best and all that stuff.

Or not, and sit there and stew, wondering why no one seeks you out and pets your head.


No, you're right. Cats interfering with cream soda is completely unacceptable. Can't wait to see what you lads have in store!

Todd from australia

You are 64,313 times better than cats

Michael's Cat

There are several things I could comment on in this post, but I’m not going to because I don’t want to.

Michael's Cat

There are several things I could comment on in this post, but I’m not going to because I don’t want to.

Michael's Cat

I don't know why mine posted twice. Maybe I should be murdered in the most humane way...


I just want you to know that I was probably, like, the 2nd or 3rd person to pre-order your book on Amazon (I won't be so pompous as to claim that I was the first).


I pre-ordered it, then I cancelled it, figuring I spend too much time fangirling as it is.

But then something made me pre-order again yesterday. And then I log into Myspace this morning to find you pimping it.

Psychic persuasion just isn't cricket.


I bet Sho's cat has the oopsies because he's been secretly licking your drinks and food well before you caught him. Poor kitty! Tell Sho to get up on his blog as well.
Good for you for finally doing some pimping. Next thing we know you'll be presenting on the Kids' Choice Awards and such.

Tom Lewis

goddam cats

I didn't realize that Chelsea Handler was humorous but since you are the Master, I will go along with you


This post was funny because I just bought Sedaris's new book (and Augusten Burroughs) a few days ago. I was going to buy yours until I saw it doesn't come out until July. It will be bought, reviews are good, you is good.


You left LA one day too soon! You could have seen monkeys, anal, and Larry Birkhead at the Houdini Mansion. yes, that is RIGHT my friend.


Umm I just read that my two favorite Michaels (any my father is named Michael!) are starting a new project together? I died.


"You are 64,313 times better than cats"

Showalter would disagree. Or would he? Does showalter love you more than cats? What about sandwiches?


P.S. I miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed you.


lol! cats are always doing something they shouldn't, and i find that humorous.

at the time your book was 65,414? Oh, that's funny, mine was 65,410. ;)

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