Think about how great it would be to have underpants that are not only lightweight, disposable, and shiny, but also could be used in a pinch to wrap up leftovers. The obvious drawback: comfort. No doubt greater minds than mine at the Reynolds Corporation are already hard at work trying to figure out how to make aluminum foil underpants comfortable, but America has a long and storied tradition of backyard tinkerers using a little elbow grease and a whole lot of good old-fashioned American ingenuity to solve seemingly insurmountable problems. The Wright Brothers did it. So can I.
One possible solution: not caring. If I could somehow convince people that the benefits of aluminum foil underpants outweigh the detriments, then maybe they I could get them to ignore the almost certain chafing and bleeding. One drawback of this solution is that I think I would almost certainly be closing off the children’s market, since I think parents put a far higher premium on their children’s comfort than they do on their own. Getting adults to ignore their own bleeding thighs would probably be a lot easier than getting them to ignore the bleeding thighs of their precious offspring. Plus, since children would probably enjoy reflective undergarments even more than adults, it just makes good business sense to figure out how to make aluminum foil underpants so soft and comfortable, even a newborn baby could wear them.
What about bunny fur? Bunny fur is certainly comfortable. If I could
figure out a way to use bunny fur as a lining for the aluminum foil
underpants, that would be a solution. Elmer’s glue might do the trick.
Squeeze Elmer’s liberally on the inside of the undies, sprinkle on a
handful of bunny fur, voila! Instant bunny-fur lined aluminum foil
underpants. Of course, while this solves the comfort problem, it
creates a host of other problems. For one thing, once you’ve lined your
aluminum foil underpants with bunny fur, they become a lot less useful
in the area of “wrapping up leftovers” because you run the risk of
getting bunny fur all over your food. Some people might not mind this,
but personally, I would never want to be in a situation where I’m
throwing away a perfectly good piece of leftover lamb shank because I
don’t want to get bunny fur on it from my aluminum foil underpants.
Plus, who is really going to want to take the time every morning to
sprinkle bunny fur into their underpants? Even if you include the
Elmer’s glue and a bagful of bunny fur with your purchase, it’s still a
huge time suck.
What about wearing regular underpants underneath the aluminum foil pants? That way you’ve got the comfort traditional of regular underpants combined with the practicality and futuristic look of aluminum foil underpants. The way it would work is, you would put on your normal underpants, then simply wrap aluminum foil around them. One advantage of this method is that it creates a “one size fits all” solution since you’re really just taking regular aluminum foil and wrapping them around your underwear. Whatever size your regular boring underpants are, that's the size your new exciting aluminum foil underpants will be. Another advantage is that your old underwear maintains a "safe zone" between your leftover food and your gonads. It’s also an environmentally solution because people wouldn’t have to throw away all their pre-existing underpants, since their old underwear actually becomes an integral part of their new underwear. Best of all: this solution exploits technology that we already have, namely the ability to wrap aluminum foil around stuff. Problem solved.
No doubt there will be naysayers who will say, “What’s the point?
You’re just wrapping aluminum foil around your panties.” I am going to
give you some comebacks for these killjoys so that you can concentrate
less on them and more on enjoying your new aluminum foil underpant
One simple way I like to tell people off is to turn the tables on them
Jerk: “Why do you have aluminum foil wrapped around your underwear?”
You: “Oh yeah? Why don’t you have aluminum foil wrapped around your underwear?” Devastating.
Another technique is use the “historical reference.”
Jerk: “What’s with the shiny underpants, pal?”
You: “That’s what they said to Isaac Newton, and look what happened to him.”
[Note: you can also use biblical references here if you are a
religious person. E.g. instead of “Isaac Newton,” say, “That’s what
they said to Azariah who helped put Joash on the throne of Judah.”]
Or you might try this tried and true comeback:
Jerk: “I notice you’re wearing aluminum foil over your traditional underpants. How come?”
You: “If everybody decided to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you?”
As you can see, the naysayers just make themselves look bad when
they try to put you down. The simple fact is that any bold new
innovation is going to initially be met with scorn by certain Luddites
who are terrified of progress. That’s understandable. After all,
underwear technology hasn’t changed much in several thousand years.
People today are wearing pretty much the same kind of underwear that
cavemen wore: boxer briefs. But change is inevitable, and the question
you have to ask yourself is, do you want to keep up with the times, or
go the way of the cavemen, who were killed off by the dinosaurs?
Aluminum foil underpants are safe, healthy, reusable, disposable,
environmentally friendly, and (not least of all) extremely attractive.
It must be obvious to you that I could have kept this idea to myself, patented it, and made a fortune. But I didn’t. Instead, I choose to give this idea to the world free of charge in exchange for leaving Earth a slightly better, shinier place than when I arrived.