I Am Drunk On Internet Celebrity - Thanks, Reddit!

Imagine my surprise when my last posting, a tidbit about relieving stress, was linked to Reddit, which is apparently some kind of internet clearinghouse for articles about Barack Obama and photos of kitty cats. Within moments, I noticed a huge spike in traffic to my normally moribund site. People were not only reading the post, but taking the time to leave thoughtful messages like this one:

“Who the hell is this guy? Celebrity? In your own head, maybe. let me guess, headed to the gym in 26 minutes?”

And this one:

“You are easily one of the biggest hacks in the entertainment industry today.”

And this one:

“Who are you, sorry? My celebrity-meter is reading a big fat zero...”

What these people don’t realize is that OF COURSE I am a celebrity. It says so on my blog. But just because I am a celebrity (very famous) doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings. I do. And those feelings, fortunately, are usually numbed by prescription medications and acupuncture.

My blog used to be a happy place where likeminded people gathered to exchange lighthearted bonhomie. Now, with my sudden internet stardom, it has become no better than Times Square pre-Giuliani: a cesspool of boarded-up bodegas and adult novelty stores. And guess what? I like it. I like it a lot.

Yes, there will always be haters, just as there will always be panda bears (fingers crossed). But I don’t let either haters or panda bears spoil my day. Not when there is so much good to wring from having a blog as popular as mine. With all this attention, I finally know what it feels like to be Chris “Leave Brittany alone” Crocker: incredible. Internet fame is like regular fame only without all the annoying “money” and “power.”

It’s a good day to be on the internet. A very good day indeed. My ever-present security guard Major Quimby (pictured below) has asked that we beef up my security detail. I’ve told him to go ahead and do that. Not because I feel I need any extra security, but because I welcome any excuse to bring more mustachioed men in Prussian army uniforms into my entourage.

(Major Quimby)

Comments

[Undertoad]

Correctly played sir. Correctly played. We here on the Intarwebs appreciate your adept volley. We will pay attention to your progress.

[Jessica McLeod]

I'm not sure Stella or WHAS ever showed here, but we have the DVDs and are creating a small but dedicated cult to you in Perth, Western Australia. I can't wait to read your book!

[Sir Farty McFancypants III, esq.]

hilarious.

[Sean]

brutally hilarious. yeah I dont let panda beats spoil my day either.

[DIAF]

You are drunk on Internet Celebrity. I am drunk on Sierra Mist. Its like a sweeter version of Sprite! Who would have guessed the secret to my heart was HFCS.

[Defektiv]

wait til digg hits you. twice as many people, a dubya bias and the same empty feeling when everyone goes back to work, their video game, or in the case of diggers, finishes beating their wives and the hits stop.

whats with the cap'n crunch fetish? o_O

[Redditor]

Reddit is filled with some of the coolest people on the web, and everyone in the post about this response seems to like you.
http://www.reddit.com/info/6lbyq/comments/

When something is popular on reddit, it usually has already made the rounds on the internets. I doubt these comments were from Reddit users, I'd look more at 4chan.org, they are assholes.

[jdeuel]

Wait, these guys consider Kevin Rose a celebrity and not you? What the fuck is wrong with them.

[brandan]

isn't relying on ironic self-importance and clever use of logically fallacious social and interpersonal elaboration a little stale? if it were really all that funny wouldn't everybody be doing it?

i didn't know anything about you before i read this blog via a reddit link, though i know i've seen your face (weren't you cancer boy in some kids in the hall movie, or something?), but i'm downloading stella season 1 and i may even donate the $19 i would have paid for it on amazon to a charity supporting the literal amazon if while watching it i feel inspired to do so.

if i do not feel inspired to do so i will not do so, and nobody save for my criminally selfish mind will prosper.

damn you, mind of mine. why must you force me into these unrewarding situations? i am a victim of circumstance, michael ian black. please forgive me my mind. it is a mind of its own.

i like your blog! you may now retire and die content knowing your kids will grow up alone with the knowledge that i, name: brandan, am supportive of your presence on the web.

[thestoriesmachine]

wikipedia causes cancer.

[thestoriesmachine]

wikipedia causes cancer.

[Whitey4Obama]

What I find hilarious is that your regulars here don't even realize that the Reddit crowd is screwing around as well.

Or maybe they do and they're screwing back around with the Reddit crowd.

So maybe I realize this and I'm screwing back around with them who knew this and are screwing around with me.

It's inconceivable!

[thestoriesmachine]

...and echolalia.

[Anon]

Who the hell is this guy?

[Major Quimby]

I can confirm that this guy is definitely a douchebag, and not much of a celebrity. BUT he does throw a superb m4m cocaine orgy

[hahajjjeeeeeeez!]

Holy CRAPPP! Reading this junk is like steppin into an alternate universe isn't it?

And why did you take the kahlua off your blog entry? It's appropos I say! Appropos!

[Garrett]

speaking of 'effd' up comments...

"OUCH those comments are effd up. But you know you're famous and that's all that matters. Also, you know you're the hottest jew out there right?

Posted by: sarah | May 29, 2008 at 07:25 PM"

I'm not sure which part is most enjoyable for me: the "you're famous and that's all that matters." (I can't judge that myself), the "hottest jew out there" (thankfully I can't judge that myself), or that this individual considers the comments you quoted even more 'effd up' than her own...

[Jaime]

Wow, it is loud in here. I think I'm drunk too. Cheers Michael!

[Jaime]

Wow, it is loud in here. I think I'm drunk too. Cheers Michael!

[Jaime]

Wow, it is loud in here. I think I'm drunk too. Cheers Michael!

[Jonathan H]

Reddit is a great time wasting site when your not watching cheesy special effect goodness of Reaper.

[Fitzhume]

I recognized you! I just don't remember what you've been in is all! You are still a celebrity though in my eyes...

Your writing is very funny, please don't reddit ruin your day!

[Devin]

Loved you in reaper. Great site

[L]

Don't let the redditards get you down. They used to be a quite smart bunch, but ever since an incident in 2007 on another site, the collective IQ of reddit has dropped at least 50 points.

[Bobby]

I'm gonna have to agree... reddit's not that bad b/c otherwise I wouldn't have found this blog. And then my life would not have been complete. Because I heart MIB more than life itself. Actually, slightly less than life itself but certainly more than that hack Michael Showalter. And to the guy who referenced the DICKFISH... awesome. Three-way with Mrs. Claus will always stay with me.