I've had a few goals in my life: fame, fortune, inventing a perpetual motion machine, etc. One of those goals, though, was to be involved in a murder investigation. It's taken longer than I would have hoped, but just as Jiminy Cricket once sang, "When you wish upon a star, dreams come true."
According to today's New York Post there was an "accidental murder" during a hold-up at a New York poker room. Apparently, I was there, and "could not be reached for comment."
While it's horrible that somebody died during a stupid robbery, this is awesome for me personally on so many levels.
First of all, any press that makes me seem less gay is good. Being spotted at a murder site is certainly that. Also, being described as a "well known poker player" is awesome because it gives me cred in the poker world and also sounds vaguely nefarious. Like I'm some sort of poker-playing outlaw (which I totally am). The coup de grace, though, is saying I "could not be reached for comment," which makes it sound like I have something to hide. Like maybe I fled the country or something. Again, awesome.
Here's the truth. I wasn't there. Further, I'm glad I wasn't there because guns scare me. Honestly, even ski masks scare me. So combining ski masks with guns is very scary indeed. Sadly, I didn't even know about that club. I had played several times at the other Straddle Club, which was mentioned in the article, never at this new one, although had I known about it, I probably would have at some point. When they say I could not be reached for comment, I suppose this is because they didn't call me. If they had called me, I would have said pretty much what I'm saying now, except I would have said it in a mysterious voice, maybe like the way Dracula talks.
So while it is great to FINALLY be involved (however speciously) in a murder investigation, I have nothing to add to the story. Even so, I want to thank the unidentified witness for mistakenly putting me at the scene, and I want to thank the New York Post for getting it wrong.
The only part about this that bums me out at all is that they did not mention my album, "I am a Wonderful Man", which is in stores now. Would it have killed them to use a senseless tragedy to plug my album?